Audi has announced a new sub-brand for the Chinese market called AUDI. To differentiate the two, Audi has described AUDI as being spelt in capital letters and avoids using the iconic four-rings badge – one of the most instantly recognisable logos in use today. Ingolstadt says that AUDI will continue the pioneering spirit of Audi which was the first European premium brand to launch in China in 1988. 

AUDI has unveiled a concept car to coincide with the launch, signifying its standalone style that sets it apart from Audi, by borrowing certain elements from the A6 e-tron Avant like the forward-angled D-pillar. While Audi models are known for having a large “singleframe” grille which sports a thin contrasting element to separate it from the bodywork, the new AUDI E Concept features a large “singleframe” grille with a thick black border to separate it from the bodywork. 

Further differentiating itself from legacy Audi models, the AUDI E Concept uses a brand-new interior with digital displays covering the full width of the dashboard. Audi models typically only see screens covering up to 85% of their dashboards. The electric estate concept uses a twin-motor drivetrain which is good for a range of around 435 miles, remarkably similar to the new A6 e-tron Avant. Audi’s move to launch the new AUDI sub-brand has caused some controversy, however, I can exclusively report the new joint-venture with SAIC has prompted some other prominent manufacturers to rethink their own corporate identities.

Never one to miss out on a niche, BMW is set to strike back at the critics of its design language that has spread throughout the model range since the launch of the second-generation 4 Series in 2020, and the current M3 and M4 models with their large grilles, and aggressive front-end design. In an unprecedented move, the brand confirmed that a new range of “less aggressively styled” models will be sold under the brand name bmw – spelt in lower case. 

In a statement, Brian Matthew Double-You, Vice-Deputy Head of Communications to The Media said: “We are always listening to our customers and our friends in the automotive media who are more qualified to talk about the efforts of our Design Department than our colleagues are. We have even taken notice of enthusiasts wishing for the ‘E’ prefix for the internal model codes to return and as such, the first new bmw – spelt in lower case – model will be called the e1.” 

Mr B. M. Double-You gave us an insight into how these new models could be styled, stating: “The cars will come with small kidney grilles and gently-formed plastic unpainted bumpers, the new model range under the bmw – spelt in lower case – sub-brand will be the least aggressively styled cars on the roads. However, an advanced radar-guided cruise control system will offer a new tailgating mode to ensure downsizing BMW patrons feel right at home."

In a similarly surprising move, Mercedes-Benz have chosen to introduce a new brand identity to their A-Class, CLA and C-Class model range, thanks to the new marque of “MERCEDES” – spelt in capital letters and dropping the “Benz” part of the name, along with the associated three-pointed star logo. We reached out for some more information, and got a response from Jemima Olivia King, Corporate Announcements Representative, who told us: “We are always listening to our customers and friends in the automotive media who always seem to forget that our brand has a double-barrelled name. As such, we have decided to add a new sub-brand to the model range to better suit the vocabularies of the people who purchase and review our products.” 

We pressed Miss J. O. King for more information, and she told us that: “The new MERCEDES – spelt in capital letters and dropping the “Benz” part of the name, along with the associated three-pointed star logo – models will feature no stars on the bodywork or spray can-painted gloss black alloy wheels, but they will remain on the steering wheel and keys so that the cars can be easily identified on Instagram and Snapchat stories. All cars will carry the “Panamericana” vertical-bar grille – that we can’t actually call the “Panamericana” grille as Porsche think that it’s too similar to the name of their large hatchback called the “Panamera” – as seen on our Mercedes-AMG models, and have orange chameleon tints applied to the windscreens from the factory, with an optional AMG badging plus plus pack.”

Will any of these sub-brands last? Or will they begin to outsell the brands that they’ve been spun out of? Will Volkswagen rebrand as VW? Will Porsche introduce “Turbo” models that aren’t turbocharged? Only time will tell, but let me tell you, I’m not buying a BMW if it’s not spelt in capital letters, a Mercedes without the hyphenated acknowledgement to the genius of Karl Benz, or an AUDI spelt in capital letters without four rings above its “singleframe” grille.

Disclaimer: following receipt of Phil Tank’s article, we fact-checked his findings and discovered that only the Audi/AUDI part is true. Every other aspect of this piece is quite clearly satire and should thus be considered to be utter bollocks.